On being afraid

If there is one overwhelming and pervasive fear that rules my dreams at night or during the day or right this minute it is that the possibility of my sons experiencing a stroke is increased by my flawed genetic make-up . I know how they think and deal and react and would hate for any of them to have to be in this disassociated state, unsure of who they are and how they feel .  I know they are strong enough to conquer the physical roadblocks but the mental ones are so , so hard and so daunting .  Every day I yearn to be who my wife and children need me to be even though it is  becoming harder to remember some days who that really was , I still feel the deep love and commitment for them that I always did but I worry about seeming to be an imposter to them .  It is becoming harder to act like Phil , when it seems like an eternity since he has been around.  Learning to be afraid is like learning you are lost , you dont know where you are or how long you will be there but you are painfully aware that you are lost. Eentually if Phil then and Phil now ever meet up there will be some interesting stories to be told of lost journeys in a dark and unfamiliar place . I so wonder where I have gotten to and will keep trudging along with the search party for a while longer.

Lost in stroke land

I am not the same guy that lay down to sleep on july 28th 2014 ; he was confident , fresh from the battle of a  stress filled work day and was very comfortable in his own skin . I awoke to numbness and panic and the knowledge that I was in dangerous territory . I woke my wife and headed to the e.r in a cab and walked into the hospital ;  I  awoke again in a different city with my family gathered around and I was someone else ; the confident warrior had packed his bags and I was alone in a body that was broken and alien ;  it didnt feel the same and the places that I drew on for strength , emotion and stamina were not where I'd left them . I no longer felt like the old me , someone had broken into the place where I'd lived for over 50 years and had stolen all of my stuff , my brain , that traitorous thing had let itself be hijacked , I was sending signals out and they were not getting through . I understand why  my left side stopped working but not why the right side felt so different , why the commands I was sending out were being interupted , sure the right was moving the way it should but it didnt feel the way it always had, my sensations and emotions were no longer in my control , where I would once have dropped something and gotten mad I now cried uncontrollably and had no say over it tension became something I breathed like air , I tasted and felt in my veins , where I once fuelled my determination with anxiety I now cowered in its presence.  I have become intensely aware of fear lately.and throughout this storm of emotion and terror stood the anchor of my former self , my beautiful partner , no stranger to this kind of fear herself , treating me each and every moment of each interminably long day like the familiar old guy she married all those years ago , this is the single greatest gift I have ever received.