On being afraid

If there is one overwhelming and pervasive fear that rules my dreams at night or during the day or right this minute it is that the possibility of my sons experiencing a stroke is increased by my flawed genetic make-up . I know how they think and deal and react and would hate for any of them to have to be in this disassociated state, unsure of who they are and how they feel .  I know they are strong enough to conquer the physical roadblocks but the mental ones are so , so hard and so daunting .  Every day I yearn to be who my wife and children need me to be even though it is  becoming harder to remember some days who that really was , I still feel the deep love and commitment for them that I always did but I worry about seeming to be an imposter to them .  It is becoming harder to act like Phil , when it seems like an eternity since he has been around.  Learning to be afraid is like learning you are lost , you dont know where you are or how long you will be there but you are painfully aware that you are lost. Eentually if Phil then and Phil now ever meet up there will be some interesting stories to be told of lost journeys in a dark and unfamiliar place . I so wonder where I have gotten to and will keep trudging along with the search party for a while longer.