Lost in stroke land

I am not the same guy that lay down to sleep on july 28th 2014 ; he was confident , fresh from the battle of a  stress filled work day and was very comfortable in his own skin . I awoke to numbness and panic and the knowledge that I was in dangerous territory . I woke my wife and headed to the e.r in a cab and walked into the hospital ;  I  awoke again in a different city with my family gathered around and I was someone else ; the confident warrior had packed his bags and I was alone in a body that was broken and alien ;  it didnt feel the same and the places that I drew on for strength , emotion and stamina were not where I'd left them . I no longer felt like the old me , someone had broken into the place where I'd lived for over 50 years and had stolen all of my stuff , my brain , that traitorous thing had let itself be hijacked , I was sending signals out and they were not getting through . I understand why  my left side stopped working but not why the right side felt so different , why the commands I was sending out were being interupted , sure the right was moving the way it should but it didnt feel the way it always had, my sensations and emotions were no longer in my control , where I would once have dropped something and gotten mad I now cried uncontrollably and had no say over it tension became something I breathed like air , I tasted and felt in my veins , where I once fuelled my determination with anxiety I now cowered in its presence.  I have become intensely aware of fear lately.and throughout this storm of emotion and terror stood the anchor of my former self , my beautiful partner , no stranger to this kind of fear herself , treating me each and every moment of each interminably long day like the familiar old guy she married all those years ago , this is the single greatest gift I have ever received.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

"A BAD DAY"


Phil's Side;

When I arrived in Toronto I rushed to the hospital but you had suffered another "attack", the third one, through the night and were heavily sedated and  were being taken for another test.  A Cranial Angiogram"  where tubes are inserted into your groin all the way up into your neck.  This test was so they could insert a dye into your head.

I had to hold your legs down so that the incision wouldn't reopen; you also were not supposed to sit up or lift your right leg.


My Side:

apparently I knew you were there because when you arrived you began to rub my feet and I cried out " Where have you been?"  To this day I don't remember this.

Phil's Side:

After the test the Dr. said that it was informative and would help determine what happened.  he also said your headaches would get worse and they did for the rest of the day.  You were in pain and asleep.  I had to leave to get back to North Bay and I coyldn't tell you I loved you and that night without being able to talk to you and knowing you would wake up looking for me was the worst night in my life.  i rode back home in tears, afraid for you.  I called the nurses station on the 8th floor 2-3 times a dayto see how you were.  I hated to be away from you but I had to work to pay bills.

I think the nurses started getting irritated by my calls, but they were nice and told me you were ok.  That Saturday things got scary.

We Will Survive

When one partner suffers a stroke; life is turned upside down, but when you have both partners who have been struck with a serious illness ; it can be a devastating blow 


I was the first one at 47 years of age to suffer with what doctors call a series of thunderclap migraines which resulted in a bleed on the right side of my brain a Cerebral Hemmorage).  After a long series of tests, MRI's, and CT scans, the doctors referred to my "stroke" as "Call Fleming Syndrome"; more info on this later.

The date was November 19, 2011.  I will never forget that day.  

Then on July 29, 2014 my husband Phil at 53 was struck down with a massive stroke which resulted in a bleed in the (Basal Gaglia) more info on this later.  This was a day that dampened what was the beginning of a joyous summer;( we had two sons marry Nick in June and Cory in July) 

This blog will be set up somewhat like a diary starting November 19, 2011 to present day.  We are hoping our story, experiences, fustrations, and how we have had to struggle,  but at the same time still find joy in being together and being alive will help others not only find hope but better understand what a stroke is and steps to take to help avoid one.  Each day  we find new reasons to get up and do it all again.